Motor Memories

I awoke but you did not
I find myself dressing in layers for our early morning walk
As I had done yesterday
As I had done every cold winter morning for 14 winters
Watching my limbs move of their own volition
Pushing through each sleeve and each inseam
Even while saying out loud that I was glad you did not suffer
Even while comforting myself with thoughts of how good our 14 winters were
Even while looking through tears at your already stiffening body
Motion-less
Life-less

I awoke but you did not
I find myself getting your breakfast along with the cats'
As I had done yesterday morning
As I had done for 9 years of yesterday mornings
Watching my hands reach for your bowl
And carefully pulling a scoop of your food from the bin
Hearing the abrupt clang of kibble landing on steel
Even though you could not break fast today
Even though you could not come carefully down the stairs today
Even though you could not come carefully anywhere today
Care-less
Life-less

I awoke but you did not
I find myself apologizing to you for my cursing at a rude driver
As I had done just last week
As I had done a thousand times since first driving you home
Hearing my words as I turn to calm your very sensitive nature
My lungs providing breath to form the sounds
My mouth and tongue making the consonants and vowels to soothe you
Even though I heard not even a hint of the rasp of your breath
Even though I saw just the outline of your form under a sheet
Even though I had just placed your still body on the back seat
Breath-less
Life-less

I awoke but you did not
I find myself asking the receptionist when I should pick you up
As I had done a couple of months ago
As I had done a dozen times in more than a dozen years
Stopping my forward motion to turn back from the exit door
Instinctively playing out the leaving-the-vet-office-interaction scene
And without a thought, asking when I should come get you
Even though I felt the bitter cold of your nose as I kissed it one last time
Even though I flinched at the stiffness of your body as I took a final hug
Even though I had just signed the forms authorizing your cremation
Thought-less
Life-less

I awoke but you did not
I find myself thinking about what life will be like without you
As I had done after your last seizure
As I had done with each of the few bad days during this year-that-was-never-supposed-to-be
My brain already accepting that you are gone
My heart feeling the pain of that reality
But...
My body keeps replaying well-rehearsed action scripts that now require no thought
My arms and legs keep repeating well-exercized motions that now require no initiation
My senses keep reacting to familiar stimuli that are now nothing more then phantoms
Sense-less
Life-less

I awoke but you did not
And as I stumble through another day without you
I find myself being pulled by motor memories of the life we shared